The Naked Truth About Hedonism II  

The following is a copyright © 2010 excerpt from the 2nd ed. of the 390-page travel-humor book The Naked Truth About Hedonism II by Chris Santilli. You can order the book from http://www.wordcrafting.com/. This copyrighted excerpt is used with express permission of the publisher and author.

 

FAQ: Hedo for Dummies

 
Take this quiz. If you answer 'no' to more than two of the statements, consider going to another resort.
Yes No I can tolerate seeing naked people in public.
Yes No I can tolerate sex, booger, and fart jokes
Yes No I can tolerate seeing someone having sex in public.
Yes No I can tolerate not being asked to join in.
 
For couples only:
Yes No I can tolerate my spouse talking to a naked person of the opposite sex when I'm not around.
Yes No I can tolerate my spouse being hit on.

Not all the above necessarily occur but, if any did, would it ruin your vacation? If the answer is 'yes,' then somewhere else may bring you more pleasure.

Most questions about Hedo have to do with nudity, sex, who goes there, and what to wear. Here are the quickie answers.

Nakedness
Is Hedo a nudist place?
Hedo is not a nudist resort. Guests are not naked all the time. Nudity isn't mandatory and is only allowed within the walking paths of the nude-side rooms and at the nude beach and nude pool complex. That's about a third of the Hedo campus. Topless is permitted but not overly common on the prude beach and at the prude swimming pool and hot tub.

On Thursday's Toga night, nudity is allowed at dinner. On Tuesday's Pyjama night, nudity is allowed in the disco. The secret rumored rule is that nudity is allowed anywhere at Hedo after midnight, but the truth of that rule varies. Other than that, no nudity is allowed.

I'm nervous about the nude beach. What's it like?
Fun. Get naked. Get over it. Life's too short. The second most difficult thing about the nude beach at Hedo is taking your clothes off the first time. The most difficult thing is putting them back on. (See Why Go Naked—and How To Get There on page 225.)

Our previous experience with nudism was 'no touchy-feelie' at resorts. That is, nude is not equated with sex. What about at Hedo?
Hedo is different: it's not a nudist resort, but a lot of people are naked. Hedo has strong erotic undertones and oftentimes overtones, too. Some weeks are sexier than others depending on who's there. Some times of the day or night (2 a.m. hot tub) are sexier than others. Hedo has touchy-feelie among friends who enjoy it. Occasionally someone will touch you in a way you think inappropriate, such as a fanny pat. Just let them know that doesn't fly with you (if indeed, it doesn't) with words or a stern look—just like in the real world.

Can I wear my bottoms on the nude beach?
Women, yes; men, no. Attractive women wearing their bottoms will be looked at more than naked ones—as a curiosity and because clothes make many people look sexier. (Sarongs or a long T-shirt are acceptable cover-ups on the nude beach as long as you are naked under them.) When women have their period, some wear bottoms (see Periodic Pain on page 242). Some weeks the 'prude patrol' of hude guests is vociferous and may give you fun-natured grief, but they usually let up if you are pleasant. Clothes are out of place on the nude side, just as walking naked on the prude beach makes you out of place. But if people have been seeing you naked on the beach, you can also wear clothes and not be hassled. Women have more leeway to wear clothes on the nude beach than men do because of the leer factor.

My spouse is a prude and I'm a nude—can we manage okay?
The nude beach area just past the pier is a DMZ for people who want to wear clothes but be on the nude beach with their friends or spouse. Most nude people are uncomfortable with a dressed person hanging at the bar or grill, though, unless that person is well-known and liked.

My husband is concerned about getting aroused on the beach. Is this common?
"Wood on the beach!" Yup, wood happens, but it's rare because most guests don't inspire that reaction. Naked doesn't equal sexy. Some are proud of Mr. Happy taking a peek and like to show it off. One inspired buck said, "I can't help it." So the women decorated his wood with body stickers and then ignored it. (See Addressing Temporary Blood Displacement on page 232.)

How to dress
What do people wear at Hedo?
Everyone favors tropical wear found at any Caribbean resort. At breakfast and lunch in the dining area, men and women dress in shorts and T-shirts, swimsuits (any type from big one-pieces with major support to minuscule thongs), and cover-ups or sarongs.

Naked male chests are common at breakfast and lunch but not at dinner. Naked female chests are not allowed off the beach except for Toga (during dinner) or Pyjama nights (after dinner). At meals, women need only cover nipples, even with a sheer or loosely woven material.

At dinner, people dress up more, though shorts and T-shirts are still plentiful. Skirts approximating belts are not uncommon. Some women shop Sluts 'R' Us and enjoy traipsing around in spandex and ultra heels.

Sandals are always okay, but socks are ridiculous—this is the Tropics. Shoes are only required in the Pastafari restaurant. Shoes are wise, however, because glass breaks nightly.

(See Best Dressed Is Undressed: Clothes Are for Closets on page 29.)

What do I need for the Toga party?
Hedo supplies a white twin-size sheet. After cleaning your room on Thursday, the maid puts an extra sheet folded on your bed. Bring accessories, if you want, such as a belt, safety pins, gaudy jewelry, or a headpiece. Do not wear underwear—the danger of having it removed by someone runs high.

How wild do people get on Pyjama and Toga nights?
Wild? As in clothes: very. For PJ night: from naked to doggie collars to severe bondage stuff to cutesy-wootsy to boxer shorts to full flannels with slippers and stuffed animal. Toga night can be judged by the number of breasts on display. A good Toga night shows at least nine breasts (some women wear a one-hooter halter).

Sex
I'm a single gal; are there any single guys?
Congratulations—you won first prize for the easiest question to answer. Tell her what she's won, Johnny. You won an all-you-can-eat smorgasbord of more single guys than you can handle. They'll be flown in at their own expense from exotic locations all over the world—including New Jersey and New York. You'll marvel at their ability to consume alcohol and wear tacky beachwear. You'll be thrilled at their colorful use of slang. But wait—there's more! You'll enjoy effortless flirtation from your Hunk-A-Roo Roundup nightly at our world-famous hot tub! Enjoy the libation of choice as you take your pick of dozens of boy bods, from beefcake to buff to bloated.

Will the swingers try to make me have sex with them?
Swingers, except for a few weeks of the year, make up a small portion of the guests at Hedo. "Contrary to popular belief, people in 'the lifestyle' will not chase you down and make you have sex with them," says Vicki from Las Vegas. "You have to be somewhat aggressive if you want to have sex outside your relationship. No one spends time pursuing people who have no interest in swinging because too many other people are willing and want to play."

In the swinger lifestyle: 'No' always means 'no, thank you.' Swingers generally are fun, social people and will not lure you in or make you uncomfortable if you tell them, "Thanks for asking, but no thanks." (See Swinging Is an Attitude, Not an Activity on page 259.)

We're not into the lifestyle scene but don't want to alienate people by saying 'no' all the time. How does that work?
Only people who want to exchange bodily fluids (and not socialize) will snub you. They are people into the total encounters scored, not the quality. You'll have a great time laughing with your mate in your room about their shabby advances.

Do people really have sex in the hot tub or is that part of the Hedo hype?
Yes, sex in the hot tub occurs...as long as the guards (a.k.a. the sex police) aren't stopping it. Some men do stare, but they usually don't bother you. Sometimes lurkers aren't even there. You'll likely have no problems with sex on the beach at night—and with the chair cushions, pleasant beds can be made. Bring your bedspread to make your love nest cozy.

Is there a lot of sex going on openly?
The vast majority of guests are not getting it on in public. The amount of open sex depends on the time of day or week and the crowd. Open sex often occurs among the same people. Some people go home disappointed because they never saw any open sex. Sometimes sex goes on whenever you aren't around and stops whenever you appear. Hedo is not an orgy, but sometimes that 2 a.m. hot tub can become interesting.

Hedo is a physical place (affection included) for some people, but you only go where you are invited, just like the real world. People do jiggle each other's tits. They cup balls and give massages, but it's among friends—and you know who you can do this with if you have good socialization skills. This touching is for fun (read: cheap thrills) and doesn't last long enough to result in orgasm.

How intrusive are the single guys? Will they be hitting on my wife all the time?
Depends. What does your wife look like?

Your wife can use English to thwart advances—but don't be disappointed if they don't occur. Strong language should work for the rare person with severe rectal-cranial inversion.

Will I get laid?
Depends on whether someone says yes to your advances—just like the real world. Contrary to the media reports, Hedo is not a big sex party. If you are male and go to Hedo without a date, realize you won't be going for the sex. Women, however, enjoy the high ratio of men to women. (See The Meet Market: Advice for Singles on page 263.) You have no assurances people are disease free; contrary to the "Exit to Eden" movie, Hedo has no mandatory drug or disease test for admittance.

"Hedo is not a singles club. It would have been more fun with a mate or close friend. But that didn't stop me from having the time of my life. The people at Hedo are the most friendly people you'll find anywhere. Go to Hedo with a good attitude and an open mind. If you are honest with people and friendly, you are accepted by almost everyone, couples and singles, Nudes or Prudes."
—John

Who goes to Hedo?
What type of person goes to Hedo?
All types go there. The repeaters tend to be a little more affluent. Some upscale guests wear pricey jewelry on the beach to show it off; most do not. Every occupation goes to Hedo, from doctors and lawyers, to musicians and artists, to secretaries and truck drivers, to moms and retirees.

The guests are predominately white with 10% or so of other races. Almost the entire staff is Black Jamaican. "Hedo has lots of race issues," says Frank from Chicago. "You have to race to the hot tub to get a good seat…you have to race to the bar to get a drink…you have to race to the beach to get a raft…you have to race to the PJ party so you can watch everyone else come in."

Most guests are from the United States, but a large Canadian contingent is always at Hedo. Europeans and South Americans are gaining in numbers. Usually at least one coordinator (staff who leads games) is fluent in Spanish.

Generally, half the guests are couples. Men outnumber women by at least 2 to 1, but some weeks the ratio seems more like 8 to 1. The average age is low-40s, but the mid-range is 30 to 55 years old with 18 to 90 years of age possible. The attitude—not the look, age, or income of the person—makes a difference in whether fun is had at Hedo. (See Go for the Sex, Stay for the People on page 141.)

Is everyone supermodel thin, or is there a range?
The range of people you see at Hedo is the same range you'll see at home—from hard bodies to what most people are: lumpy. But get over yourself—whether you are an Adonis or a chubbo. Hedo guests are forgiving. No one cares what you look like unless they want to have sex with you—and everyone's taste differs.

"From time to time I heard something stupid such as, 'the ones not wearing suits are the ones who really should.' Nothing could be further from the truth. The older women, the larger women, the woman with the mastectomy, the ones with stretch marks, you are all gorgeous...your bodies look great and most of you had a spirit that was just so attractive. The young petite girls have nothing on you. (Although young pretty girls contribute a great deal, too.)"
—Steve, a single guy

Do repeater groups take over Hedo?
Repeater groups don't usually make Hedo virgins uncomfortable—likely because they're getting quieter and are becoming more eager to meet new people. Repeater groups tend to be couples and 40+somethings. The last three weeks of January are heavily populated with Lifestylers. You find fewer singles at those times, but singles are always at Hedo. Repeat offenders can fill up more than 60% of the resort, especially during the resort's Anniversary (Nov. 1) and many U.S. holidays. (See Isle Be Back: Repeaters Are Surprisingly Organized on page 158.)

 

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